The awful part about thinking about killing myself everyday for the last few years is I keep chickening out. Not because I’m afraid of the pain but because I am afraid of what it might do to my loved ones. But I know they all will be better off. I know just husband will find a woman who is smart with a better job and body, and I know he would be okay. I won’t stress anyone out about money issues, I won’t be sick all the time, I won’t mess up with photoshoots, everyone would live easier if I was gone. But then I try to think positive and press on with life but the constant fighting with my close family, some friends, the horrible words that nearly killed me when I was in school, the words that always push me to die today, I don’t want it anymore. Why do I try to live a life I can never have? Why do I so this to myself? Why can’t I just be a good person?